Toddlers at heart

Toddlers, those loveable, emotional, silly little rouges. They love to play and laugh and run the opposite direction when you say 'come' or scream 'no' when you give them an instruction. They run crying for comfort the moment they fall or are frightened or tired, but will quite casually refuse to give hugs or kisses on request.

I have to admit that I gave very little notice to toddlers before actually having one myself, but my eyes have been opened and the learning curve has been steep. Toddlers are constantly exploring and learning and yet as a mother to a toddler I find that it is often me who is being taught.

Since having Ivor I've come to realise that adults are really just large toddlers- it only takes a little bit of pressure (or say a contrary little toddler whining, screaming and pulling on you for two straight hours) to bring on an adult sized temper tantrum of our own. I am starting to suspect that God encourages us to reproduce to remind us of how even the most mature among us are just little sinners (or should I say BIG sinners) at heart.

Hand on heart, I used to think I was a fairly patient person. Other people often used words like 'mature' and 'reasonable' to describe me. I've handled difficult students and co-workers with professionalism and lectured many a friend on staying 'calm', so I am amazed to find that it only takes a handful of minutes wrestling with my child on a changing mat, because despite having a diaper overflowing with poop he does not want to stop playing even for one minute, to get me to the point of yelling or even tossing a pack of wipes across the room in exasperation! When I take a step back from that moment, it is embarrassing that something so little can wind me up so much. Here I am asking my son to be patient while I make his meal, or when he can't make his toys work properly and a moment later I lose it over a pants change?

It is these moments that have shown me that my primary influence as a mother is not going to be being an example of godly, loving behaviour. No, I am going to fail a LOT at living out the love, wisdom, gentleness and kindness that Christ calls us to. I can let that beat me down, or I can see it as an opportunity to demonstrate a living example of something far more important in my son's life- the Gospel of grace.

Don't get me wrong, I long to live out my faith and I hope I will continue to grow more like my saviour. But I have come to see my failings may reveal more of Christ to my son than my perfectionism ever could. I am learning to let my son see me fail and to let him see me seek and receive forgiveness. Let him see me as I am- a sinner saved by amazing grace and let that grace and forgiveness abound in our home.

I am still toddling my way through this life. I may have learned a lot and changed a lot, but there is no stage at which I will outgrow my need for His love, forgiveness and grace. There is no stage at which His blood will no longer matter.

My weakness and need for constant grace are like an arrow pointing to Jesus, who is rich in mercy and abundant in grace, and who never changes and never fails.