Practicing Failure

What is a 'good' mother? Specifically, what is a good Christian mother? My answer to this particular question has changed a lot over the past 5 months.

Before I had Ivor, people used to tell me that I was going to be such a good mom. I also thought I could be a good mom, but when I dreamed about motherhood, I didn't picture myself throwing a bib across the room in frustration because after 2 months of trying, Ivor still refused a bottle/cup, or sobbing with exhaustion after yet another night of Ivor waking every hour. And I definitely didn't picture myself pouting after yet another disappointing weigh-in or shaking in fear/shock after I dropped my son on the floor. (Don't worry- he is totally fine.)

Months into motherhood I wasn't sure what a 'good' mother was, but I knew that I wasn't one. Surely a 'good' mother wouldn't raise her voice to her baby or cry when things don't go well. A 'good' mother would spend more time praying, keep a cleaner home and wouldn't complain so much. Surely a 'good' mother wouldn't be so careless as to drop her little one. And surely a 'good' mother would be able to figure out a way for her son to gain weight, take naps in his own bed, and sleep better at night. (Somewhere along the way I must have decided that a 'good' mother knows all, never needs help and is the picture of serenity at all times.) I have this beautiful baby boy and I am not all the things I want to be for him. I don't have it all together and I was feeling awful about it.

Exhausted and discouraged, I finally asked for help. My mother-in-law came over a few times during the day so that I could take naps. My friends dragged me out to bible studies and coffee dates, and prayed for me. My family reassured me. And little by little, I began to see how wrong I had been.

I am realising that being a good Christian mother is all about failure. I believe that the most important thing a Christian mother can do is point her children to Christ, but I can't point to Christ if I am too busy pointing to myself. I can't teach grace if I am too caught up in trying to be perfect and good on my own steam. I can't speak truth when I am buying into falsehood and the truth is that I am sinful, selfish and undeservingly loved by an amazingly gracious God. The truth is that being a good Christian mother means admitting my own failures, holding on to the glorious victory of Jesus, and teaching my son that he needs to do the same. It means seeking the Lord, trusting He'll continue to the work He started in me and trusting that He didn't just die for me- He died for Ivor too.

I might get better at this mothering thing, but I will still fail a lot of the time. And God's grace will be sufficient every time.